Harder to Break: How the Gym Helped Me Reclaim My Power

I was a very different person when I was younger. I was shy, timid, physically weak (or so I felt) and afraid to be my authentic self. This was all the result of my upbringing, a dysfunctional and toxic family, and an inept education system. But because of my personality, I was repeatedly taken advantage of and betrayed. I was also harassed and assaulted, multiple times, by multiple people. I was never able to confront or fight any of them off. And it took me a long while to forgive myself for that.

When I was 27 years old, after the most vicious physical attack, a friend suggested that I join a gym. I did so and felt my whole being change. From a wallflower, I blossomed into a badass! I turned my pain into power and got in touch with my true self — a feminist with a physical confidence that made it clear I was no longer someone who could be easily intimidated.

Now there are many layers to the story of how my passionate love for the gym developed. First, I had always hated my body and the way I looked because I had internalized the body-shaming I had been subjected to since my childhood, starting with my mother. One of my mom's classic statements was, "If ever a man does love you, it'll be for your mind"; implying of course that I wasn't physically attractive enough for a man to be interested in me. According to her, my complexion wasn't fair enough, my hair wasn't naturally straight (my hair had committed the crime of being curly, you see), my nose was too big, my eyes were too small, and my lips were too thin. And I internalized all this and pretty much hated myself. The road to self-acceptance and self-love was a long one for me.

After joining the gym however, I started paying attention to 'the body', to loving my body. Over the years, I also experimented with and experienced dance (salsa and Kathak), boxing, fencing and various such physical pursuits. I built up my physical strength, gained confidence and realized that I actually didn't have to rough up men who had wrong intentions; just the strength and confidence in my eyes was enough to intimidate them and get them to back off. More importantly, I became an unapologetically vocal feminist (and I'm proud of that). Now to be honest, my higher studies at JNU also did that — make me a feminist and a vocal, passionate advocate of gender equality — but my real transformation actually began on the day I first stepped foot inside a gym. Because that was the day I realized that the dominant narrative that we have been conditioned into for centuries, often reinforced by women themselves, that we are the 'weaker sex' is just not true. Not physically, not emotionally, not mentally.

But the body I had sculpted by years in the gym, all that hard work came crashing down some years later when I was diagnosed with a slipped disc. Ironically, it happened because I was pushing myself too hard physically, but it immediately put a stop to all my physical exertions. I was put on bed rest and was in excruciating pain as not only had the disc slipped but it was also pressing on a nerve that travels into the leg. I also developed a limp and gained a lot of weight due to the steroidal medication that was prescribed to deal with the pain. All my years of gym-ing, gone down the drain. I tried every type of medication known to humankind — allopathic, homeopathic, ayurvedic, physiotherapy, acupuncture and Chinese medicine. After spending a ton of money, I was still no better. Then one day I decided that enough was enough and walked back into the gym. With a noticeable limp and many pounds heavier. After my trainer swallowed his tears on seeing me like that, we started the whole process all over again. Today, I'm still not at my ideal weight but I'm leaner, meaner and much more of a badass than before!

The gym is not just about lifting weights or losing weight. It's about discipline. Relentless discipline. And that is something that I value most in human beings. I swoon on seeing army guys, not because I'm attracted to them but because their bodies, their posture and their demeanor, all point towards discipline. They follow an everyday schedule that is completely built around training the body and the mind and gaining mastery over both. What earns my respect is the commitment behind training; the patience, dedication, resilience and self-control it takes to keep showing up.

All of this of course isn't just based on my feelings, it's backed by science. Lifting weights from your 30s onwards isn't just about vanity. It's about longevity, mental agility, and protecting your joints, posture and energy. And that's what I love most about iron. Unlike our society, the iron isn't ageist.

There's another layer to all this. While I have spent much of my life deeply angry with the patriarchy and with the men and women who uphold it, the gym was one of the few places where I experienced something close to genuine gender equality. It takes time to earn respect in a gym because many gym-goers pay more attention to socializing with their friends and taking selfies. So respect has to be built by demonstrating seriousness and consistency; it has to be earned by blood (literally), sweat (literally) and tears (literally). And a woman is equally accorded respect, if she has earned it. My trainer holds me to the same standard as he does his male clients, pushes me equally and includes me in the same easy camaraderie. I have immense respect for trainers because while society prizes the wrong credentials, trainers possess wisdom and expertise that are routinely undervalued. And they never make a woman feel less than. It was my trainer who taught me that working out isn't actually for your body but is training for your mind because you have to face discomfort, discipline and repetition every day, even when you don't feel like it. It wasn't a self-help book but my trainer who told me that by working out I wasn't just getting stronger; I was getting harder to break.

So, for me, a gym is more than just a gym. It's where I go when my mind is so loud, I can't think (which is every day!). So I lift. Over and over. Until my brain quiets. Until the anger fades. Until the noise becomes a whisper. It's not about having an hourglass figure (I don't). It's about control. It's about having one place where you feel powerful. Gym-ing for me is an art form as it takes hard work, discipline, and patience. It can't be bought. It can't be gifted. It's the ultimate sign of self-love and self-respect. And that has been a long, arduous journey for me.